Frustrated

GOD im so frustrated with trying to lose weight!! Great diring the week and running and doing yoga and salsa so im pretty active but on the weekend I can't stick to it SO FREAKEN FRUSTRATING!! This has been an issue for years now. I really need to make a commitment to stick to my calories this weekend NO MATTER WHAT comes up! 

Dealing with life and depression

Im taking a couple of days off work this week, trying to get my head together. Went to the Dr and he says i have reactive depression, he offered meds (i dont want to take meds as i know i have an addictive personality) so i asked about counselling. First appointment tomorrow and its expensive so hopefully it helps. Im eating and eating EVERYTHING in sight and anything that i "shouldn't" i can be stuffed full and still wanting to shove something in my mouth!

Running is beyond my scope of thinking atm which sux but I can't even fathom going for a run. 

I want to make this pain go away any way possible i want to drink, eat, take a pill anything to feel normal again but i know that none of thats going to help, only changing the way i feel and dealing with my problems will make it better. 

My friend and cousin have been wonderful at listening to me whinge lol

All i want is to fall into Brendons arms and sob and have him tell me everythings going to be ok and he loves me 😪

I just randomly start sobbing for no reason and dont know how to make it feel better. 

God i want to get healthy and lose this weight but i dont know how to put that into motion right now. 

Another shitty weekend

BLOODY HELL! Another shitty weekend and i feel like crap again emotionally, physically and spiritually drained. I'm so lost, clearly i dont want this bad enough or have the drive to succeed in losing weight this time, i dont know what to do. I "start again" every monday and go really  really good during the week and then BUST friday, Saturday and sunday. Well thats not good enough. Im back to not wanting to run again as its getting harder and harder. Thats my gripe for today. Um just feeling "glass half empty" today, a bit down in the dumps

Another hard week

Things have been hard emotionally over the last week, my eating has been up and down (yesterday i decided it was too cold for a run b4 work so at that point i decided i was going to have maccas for lunch and also threw in chocolate cake and 4 homemade cookies - the cookies alone were 600cal's!) its like i just gave up. Back to running today and eating well. Idk why i sabotage myself like this???

This weeks weigh in: 88.0kg (loss of 100g)

Little victories

Just had to write and say how super proud of myself i am tonight! Finished work at 8pm and all i wanted to do was eat a piece of chocolate slice (i made yesterday for my sons lunches) I'd already had a piece in the afternoon and its all i could think about but somehow i made it to bed without eating the slice **pats on back 

Update

So much has happened over the last 9 months and my weight has sky rocketed as a result :( Brendon moved in he suffers with depression which i wasnt aware off prior to moving in and it made life at home REALLY hard, i never knew if i was coming home to him or the depressed him this started to take its toll on me and i found myself becoming down, not wanting to go out and my work started to suffer also. I started smoking more. We started to have problems, fighting often about the little things and one night it just exploded, lots of things were said and i told him to leave (i regret everything that happened that night) so he packed his stuff and moved out into his own place also breaking up with me at the time. The last few months we have been trying to maintain a friendship (as ours was so strong prior to dating) but that has been extremely difficult, we cant seem to make it through a week without an argument. We are now at a point where we are re assessing any friendship at all. 

Anyhow the point off all that is that things have been really tough lately however, im back on track with things at work (have even been offered to be involved in a special program which is a big pat on the back), ive quit smoking (day 34 today) and am getting back on track with my weight. My original weigh in 2 weeks ago was 91.2kgs (yes its unbelievable that ive allowed myself to get back here when my starting weight back 7 years ago was 99.2!) im currently sitting on 99.6kg (i was on 88.2 however have swapped to a more reliable pair of scales so ill go with their weight) have taken measurements 

27/7

Weight 89.6

Body fat % 37.2 

Body water % 45.8

Bone mass 6.8

Arm 39

Waist 101

Hips 118

Thigh 64

And new before pics

It's embarrassing considering not long ago my legs looked like this

I will get back there! When me and Brendon were together we committed to doing Tough Mudder  together (nov 2015) and we paid for it too so i guess thats what I'm working towards wether i do it with him or on my own! I have started running again using the C25K app the progress is slow but steady

2nd weigh in and back issues

So i lost 1.4kg's at my weigh in on monday thats 2.1 in 2 weeks... Super happy with that. Hoping to start exercising again soon but have been diagnosed with having a disc bulge and a protruding disc in my lower back so will be off to the drs next week to see what kind of treatment path to go down and what im allowed to do at the gym